I’ve talked a lot about relationship ‘red flags’ and the negative qualities and characteristics to look out for in a relationship but recently my daughter asked me, “what about the green flags, what are some green flags, Mama?” Well, I had to stop and think about that for a minute because I don’t think I’ve specifically talked about or ever been asked about ‘green flags,’ the positive traits to look out for in someone you’re dating.
Writing my book, Married to a Narcissist, I was quick to recall the negative, abusive nature of my ex. I’ve had dozens of conversations with my children about how they can spot narcissistic traits and how to be strong enough, and how to create boundaries to not only recognize toxicity but separate themselves from abusive personalities. Without speaking specifically about their father, I’ve tried to elevate the conversation to speak in more general terms about “the kinds of toxic people they will encounter in life.”
Potential mates are no different, so here are my 7 relationship green flags to look out for, inspired by my daughter, but meant for all three of my children and anyone else out there at this parenting milestone.
1. Empathy – empathy and showing authentic care and concern for others is a major green flag. Narcissists and toxic people often lack empathy and generally don’t connect well with others when others are in pain or are experiencing trauma. Toxic people want to maintain control and everyone else’s attention and they often make it about them. For instance, you could be upset about something that happened at work, with a family member, in your friend group, or you’re having a hard time with a situation – pay attention to how your partner responds to you and pay attention to how you answer the following questions.
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- If you’re crying, sad, or just upset about something, how do they respond? Do they turn your trauma or hurt into being about them?
- Do they show love and kindness?
- Do they listen to you?
- Do they hug and caress you or do they walk away, minimize or belittle you, tell you that you’re crazy or less than for how you feel.
2. Joyfulness – pay attention to how you feel in their presence. Do they make you feel joy? Seeing them should put a smile on your face, not cause stress or make you feel resentment, frustration, or fear. If you are afraid, feel bullied, or are uncomfortable around them, it’s possible you are in an abusive relationship and therefore that flag is no longer green, but blood red and you should get out as soon as possible!
3. You’re Not Embarrassed About Introducing Them to Your Friends and Family – if you’re excited and anticipating wanting to share them with friends and family, that’s a major green flag. Hiding them away or making excuses for why you haven’t brought them around could be a sign worth paying attention to and you should ask yourself why.
4. Honesty – we all know when someone is lying and deceitful. Intuition is a powerful force and it’s important that you’re not only tapped into yours but that you also listen to it. Consider the little voice of your guardian angel who can save you from heartbreak. Body language, gestures, eye movement, and shiftiness, are key non-verbal communicators. And then there are the elaborate cover-up stories. A good rule is, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If they’re lying, they’ll eventually get caught. Maya Angelou once said, “if someone shows you who they are, believe them.” And then go to your playlist and listen to all the “cheat” songs. There are tons of them.
5. Laughter – do they make you laugh? Yes, there are ups and dips in every relationship and there are times you have no desire to laugh but overall, do you feel like you can share a laugh, be yourself, and be silly without being belittled or talked down to for just having fun.
6. You’re Not to Blame – if you’re constantly being blamed for things in the relationship, especially when things are not your fault, that could be a red flag. Toxic people don’t often take responsibility for their actions nor do they like to be held accountable for situations and chaos that they cause. Communication is a definite green flag. If your partner is willing to just talk it out and not blame you for something, that’s a good sign and what I’d consider as a green flag.
7. Supportive – do you feel like you can tell your partner absolutely anything and do you have confidence in their full support for you, no matter what. Does that person respect you, motivate you, inspire you, pray for you, and root for you. Your partner should make you feel loved and secure- free of judgment. And more than anything, the foundation of any relationship is a healthy, sustainable friendship.
