I have enough material to criticize or disparage the ex to infinity and beyond. He’s done some pretty evil things in our lives and my children and I will spend a portion of the future healing and recovering from his vicious vindictiveness.
The healing phase also provides an opportunity though for me to teach my children how to model better behavior, how to be better people and how to treat other people with respect, without specifically and verbally using the ex as an example of what not to do.
I also don’t want my children to resent me for criticizing their dad in their presence. Instead of telling them that he was a terrible spouse and not the best dad, I tell them that when they become parents they should always help out, contribute, change more than one diaper, help with laundry, cooking, cleaning- be sure to also have a set of car seats in their car too, don’t wait to be asked to do something, step in, take initiative, show empathy always, be compassionate, be loving, and don’t be an asshole. And don’t act like you need a parade or a Nobel Peace Prize when you’ve done any of the things mentioned above and any of the things not mentioned. It’s what you should do and you don’t get bonus points for being a basic human being. I mean, obviously!
Children don’t want to be in the middle of adult disputes, and they shouldn’t be. Nor do they want to be put in a position of having to choose which parent to side with. They want to be kids. They want peace. They don’t want to be parental peacemakers. It’s our responsibility to help protect their peace by turning the situations that cause us rage and stress into teaching moments.
I have two boys and a girl. And instead of telling my boys, “these are all the ways your dad mistreated, verbally and emotionally abused me,” I teach them how to be feminists, how to better respect women, how to help protect women’s rights, and I teach all three of my children to be helpers, how to recognize an opportunity where they can be of service, how to create and protect their boundaries, how not to be a narcissist, and ultimately, how not to be an asshole. Nobody likes an asshole or a narcissist and since divorcing one, I’m super-sensitive about recognizing and nipping narcissistic behaviors in the bud. I don’t want to launch three more monsters into the world. If I do, I have done us all a terrible disservice. I feel like I’ve got to break the cycle. I don’t want that kind of heaviness on my hands so I am working hard to tell my children all the things they need to know and apply to their own lives about how to be better people. I want them to be productive, adaptive, reliable, intelligent, respectful, respected, good human beings who are joyful to be around.
Single motherhood is tough for lots of reasons but now that my children are young adults, what I find challenging is trying to make a conscience effort of remembering to tell them all the things they should know about adulthood. I don’t have much time left before they leave the nest- two are already out as time is fleeting- and it’s on me to make sure they’re ready for the world.
Without using my divorce as a specific example, it’s important to me to teach my children what loving, healthy relationships look like, whether romantic or otherwise and it’s important my daughter and my boys know what they should reject or expect in a respectful, loving relationship.
Criticizing takes a lot of energy, emotion, and stress and it also exemplifies and spotlights the amount of internal anger you still need to deal with and eventually release. Therapy, prayer, and changing my focus has helped me get to a more peaceful place in my life. I’ve learned it’s ok to let go of the anger when you’re ready but until then, don’t use your children as your therapist. There are professionals for that. Besides, children need to be better than us and they need to be given the chance to be just that, better!
