If our year of dating was any indication of the amazing life I thought we were going to live together, it would’ve been fabulous!!
We enjoyed the symphony. We went to the opera. We saw Pavarotti while living in Austin, Texas. His parents joined us. He paid for everything, including an expensive pre-concert dinner at a five star restaurant.
For the first time in my life, I went skiing. I was responsible for airfare and ski clothes, everything else was paid for. We stayed in an exquisite romantic condo with a view of the slopes—and the firework show. It was New Year’s Eve and I had the time of my life.
We went to Toronto. Again, I just needed to get to Detroit where he was working and the rest was taken care of. While in Toronto, we stayed in a vintage B&B in a hip part of town. He planned all the dinners, activities, mid-row seats in the historic Pantages Theatre to see Phantom of the Opera, a surprise trip to Niagara on the way back. A boat ride on Maid of the Mist that drenched us- all the while, my heart was dripping in what I thought was love for him. I was falling.
But that wasn’t all. When we got back to Detroit, he had another concert planned — Aretha Franklin and the Three Tenors at the historic Tiger Stadium baseball field. It was the last event there before the iconic stadium was torn down. It was a bucket list event and only a few hundred of us would be able to say we were there. He knew what I loved and he made sure to activate every single love and bucket list item I expressed.
Frequent flower deliveries to the office that made the other girls jealous. Beautifully expressive Blue Mountain cards whose words would make any girl’s heart melt. They must be written by a narcissist because the paragraphs were so carefully worded and perfectly written.
“It’s all going to stop when you get married,” one of my colleagues said. ‘You’re just saying that because you’re an angry divorcee,’ I thought. She was right. It did all stop on the wedding night – like Jekyll and Hyde. It was mind-blowing! I thought ‘how could someone be so loving, romantic, caring, affectionate, attentive, passionate nearly everyday for a year and then it all flip in one night. That can’t be possible. I thought he loved me.’ But his attitude, personality, and demeanor towards me changed in one night. It all made me feel crazy!
What I didn’t know then that I’m acutely aware of now is, I was a victim of extreme Love Bombing. Back then, I didn’t know it was a term but now that I’m fully aware and have researched it, all of his dating puppeteering and string pulling, manipulative behavior made sense.
When I’d ask him why all the things he did while we were dating suddenly stopped, he say that I was just imagining things and everything was still the same. I caught him cheating, it was the same thing. He’d say, “it’s not what you think,” as I write about in Married to a Narcissist book. And he’d show incredible affection, attention, lots of hugging, kissing, sex, and gifts – keeping me tied to his strings; tugging when he wanted, trying to convince me of his fake love and hoping I’d forget and forgive the transgression. All the while, he was pulling the pin and tossing love grenades in rapid fire.
Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, describes Love Bombing as “a self-centered, anxious pursuit, with the singular goal of acquiring someone because it boosts the bomber’s ego.” He writes, “it’s not about care or compassion or tenderness. For the love bomber, you’re no different than a shiny new toy that captures their attention for the moment.”
In Psychology Today, Dr. Dale Archer further explains, the term Love Bombing has a history. He states it was created in the early 70’s by the Unification Church of the United States, also called Moonies. They used the technique to control and con their members. He also says notorious cult leaders Jim Jones, Charles Manson, and David Koresh used Love Bombing to encourage suicide and murder among their followers. He further explains pimps and gang leaders use Love Bombing to encourage loyalty and obedience.
‘Love bombing works because humans have a natural need to feel good about who we are, and often we can’t fill this need on our own. Sometimes the reason is situational, brought on by an event, like divorce or job loss. Other times, it’s more constant and traces back to our childhood. Whatever the source, love bombers are experts at detecting low self-esteem, and exploiting it,” says Archer.
Love bombing worked on me. Not knowing what exactly I was experiencing, I loved the gifts and attention and believed it would exist till death do us part. It did exist until death. I just didn’t know the death was coming for my soul.
